77 Days until My Start, 77 Days to be Here Now

All I can picture is heat, desert heat. I have a backpack on, full of only the things I need to survive, here and now.

Right now, this is all I want out of life: a little bit of money, shelter, and my ability to reason, laugh, and love.

Strangers dropped me off at the Pacific Crest trailhead in Campo, kind people who I will probably never see again, but who I am glad that I met; perhaps the only worthwhile thing I can give them is a smile. The heat feels so good on my skin, like the only layer of clothing that I need. I look ahead of me and see a long, endless trail, heading to Canada. What I really see is six months of freedom. No appointments, no obligations, no commitments, only mountain time, and me, really living on it. This is what I dream.

Past this point, past my first step, everything disappears, I don’t want to have any other expectations. The only thing that I’m counting on is change itself. I keep looking forward to day one of the Pacific Crest Trail, It almost hurts as I force myself to be present in my current moment. To enjoy the next two and a half months or  77 days.  But what I need is to be present in my every moment, to connect with people, and make lasting connections.  I don’t want to be the girl who’s always leaving.

I’m planning to go AWOL for the next two months, as a tribute to my goal of living presently. Writing and planning have just strengthened my longing to be on trail. I can’t have this.  See you all closer to my start date!